DEA: Drug dealers pushing deadly peanut butter fentanyl to children.

*satire

Don’t be fooled by the colorful candy coating!

First, drug dealers unveiled brightly colored pills that resemble candy called "rainbow fentanyl."

“Rainbow fentanyl—fentanyl pills and powder that come in a variety of bright colors, shapes, and sizes—is a deliberate effort by drug traffickers to drive addiction amongst kids and young adults,” said DEA Administrator Anne Milgram. 

Now, dealers are upping their game, and it’s a real downer.

Authorities say that peanut butter fentanyl has infiltrated the drug supply, hooking kids as young as pre-school age. “These deadly drugs are designed to appeal to young people looking for a tasty candy,” border patrol agents and members of the South Texas Sheriff’s department said in a joint press conference. “But they’re in for more than a sugar high.”

“We’ve interdicted enough peanut butter fentanyl to kill 14 million elementary school students,” they added.

Milgram lauded their efforts and issued a press release urging parents to remain vigilant about the candy-coated treat, a potent mix of dark chocolate, peanut butter, and a synthetic opioid 1 million times more potent than street heroin. “Simply put, drug dealers are targeting everyday children using bright colors, a creamy center, and enough fentanyl to get them hooked for life.”

Sarah*, 7, first tried the candy at a Frozen-themed birthday party. “A dealer dressed as Elsa approached a group of us kids,” she claims. Soon, she was eating the candy by the fist-full. Before long she had to sell to other kids at the playground to support her habit.

At press time, Republican lawmakers slammed Democrats for being soft on the deadly drug and introduced federal legislation that would apply the death penalty to drug traffickers posing as popular Disney characters to ply their deadly trade.