DEA: Drug dealers stuffing turkeys with fentanyl.

*satire

You may have heard of tryptophan, the chemical component in turkey that causes drowsiness when 5,000 calories are ingested in one sitting. This Thanksgiving, before you unbuckle your belt, fasten your seatbelt, because the Drug Enforcement Administration has issued a dire warning about this year’s turkey day: your bird might contain more than Mom’s special stuffing.

“Tryptofentanyl—fentanyl stuffed into Thanksgiving turkeys—is a deliberate effort by drug traffickers to drive addiction amongst grandparents and uncles who still worry about the amero,” DEA Administrator Anne Milgram said. Last month, the DEA thwarted ten million fatal overdoses by intercepting the full supply of “Rainbow fentantyl,” ahead of Halloween. The synthetic opioid was designed to look like candy to fuel addiction among children and teenagers.

“The men and women of the DEA are relentlessly working to stop the trafficking of tryptofentanyl and defeat the Mexican drug cartels that are responsible for the vast majority of the fentanyl that is being trafficked in the United States,” Milgram added.

“You know what I’m not grateful for this year?” said Dana Perino on Fox News’ The Five. “Joe Biden’s lax border policies. They are literally going to kill your Grandma.”

Local law enforcement is on high alert. Tuscaloosa Sheriff’s deputy Steve Wilson joined the Five to discuss how Americans can stay safe this Thanksgiving. “No turkey lunch is 100 percent safe. Not if you bake, roast, or deep-fry the bird in question.”

So what should you do if you catch Grandpa dozing off at the table?

“Immediately call the police,” Wilson advises. “We’re armed with the tryptofentanyl overdose reversal tools like flash-bang grenades.”