DEA head: We just seized the last batch of fentanyl in the U.S.

Flanked by a former addict who now relaxes by doing yoga and a former drug dealer who grows organic beets for a living, DEA official Anne Milgram told reporters that the DEA and local task forces have finally seized all of the fentanyl in the continental United States.

“As of today, all of the country’s supply of fentanyl is off our streets,” DEA head administrator Anne Milgram said, after announcing the latest—and last ever — law enforcement raid on a house in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that contained the world’s sole remaining supply of fentanyl.

“Furthermore, our covert operations in the Northern Triangle have succeeded in convincing the cartels to get into the hospitality industry instead of drug trafficking.”

Milgram said that the agency’s slogan, “One pill can kill,” had already made inroads among at-risk teens, by making illicit drugs sounds less cool than getting good grades or joining debate club.

With fentanyl off the streets—forever—authorities expect crime to drop, homelessness to end, and for no other highly-potent synthetic substance to take fentanyl’s place.

At press time, 70 officers overdosed after being in the same building with the substance.