I hate watch Bill Maher so you don't have to.

“Should I hate-watch Bill Maher or stab myself with a hot poker?” I asked Twitter.

“Hate-watch. A hot poker would leave a scar,” the toxic site replied.

His first guest was RFK. I’m sorry, but we don’t all have to be heroes, all the time—I scrolled past him. I have RFK trauma from when my wealthy, former boss wanted us to cover him as a serious candidate because her dumb son found him “interesting” and in editorial meetings we all had to lie and say we were in touch with RFKs press people for an interview.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, sanity wise, on comes Scott Galloway (I should switch careers and become a middle-aged dude who goes on TV to pontificate about masculinity) and Don Lemon, who looks like he’s had a bathtub of Botox injected into his face.

Bill Maher starts off strong, asking the guests to (smug lip smack) “compare and contrast” today’s protests with the protests against the war in Vietnam. Don Lemon tries to move his face to approximate a non-paralyzed expression, and say he’s BEEN to them and TALKED to protestors and found that “this is about horrible, horrible anti-semitism and racism, a lot of it.”

He then admits that “most” are peaceful. But, nevertheless, misguided.

“A lot of them are misinformed because they’re getting their information from TikTok …”

“RIGHT!!!! HAHAHA!” Maher orgasms.

What do the kids get wrong? The Nakba is undisputed. All the "peace deals" were "How about if we get to keep the land we stole and you get nothing?"

Settler violence is undisputed. They murdered an American college student by crushing her with a tractor. The most shocking thing to me, here, is that anyone would be surprised college students are protesting and that they have the need to ascribe their motivation to dark sentiments like anti-semitism and racism.

Lemon adds that college kids should be given wide berth “to do dumb things” but “When it crosses over into anti-semitism, that’s not right.” APPLAUSE!

Scott Galloway claps for like 35 minutes, and then it’s his turn to smugly air concern about the kids. “The double standard here is pretty striking.”

Oh. This argument. Before you go on, let me say, a) I care about the war in Syria, I have multiple friends who are Syrian refugees and b) WE ARE NOT SENDING BASHAR AL-ASSAD BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

lol no he’s going a different, crazier route, citing Dylan Roof. “If I went down to any of these universities … with a white hood … and started saying, “Globalize Dylan … he killed Black people… ”

“Right!” (smug chuckle from Maher).

What the fuck?

He makes up some shit about protestors “throwing things” at “non-white students.” “We wouldn’t be having a conversation about the first amendment, we’d be calling in the fucking National Guard!” APPLAUSE.

Some people talk. Other people somberly intone. Galloway somberly intones. “What is clear … (dramatic pause) Is … That … free speech (dramatic pause) is freest … when … it’s hate speech … against Jews….”

“A lot of them are Jewish kids,” Lemon helpfully provides.

“That’s sad,” Maher parries. Yes, it’s sad that some people’s moral code includes giving a fuck about genocide.

Whatever. As a 90s kid, I was obsessed with the 60s, because 90s youth culture sucked. These bastards, with their botox and dumb, smug smirks, are all going to be featured in a “Hearts and Minds” type documentary in the future. It’ll land like smoking cigarettes at the OB-GYN in the 60s.

We can’t all be heroes. I can’t watch anymore. Am going to find some students and buy them a pizza.