Politico—Two years into office, President Joe Biden has saved Americans from toxic partisanship and healed the nation by allocating over 13 billion dollars to law enforcement. The funds, included in the 2023 budget, will go towards hiring 100,000 more officers.
“The President recognizes that if we want to fight crime and make our neighborhoods safe, we need to invest more money in funding effective, accountable, community policing – not less” the White House said in a statement.
The legislation, named “Safer America Plan” instantly drew plaudits from police unions and lawmakers across the political spectrum. Republicans hoping to gain a majority in the midterms admitted they were wrong to paint Democrats as “soft-on-crime.” Sen. Mitch McConnell told Politico that far from being anarchists who want to defund the police, Democrats are committed to fighting crime. “I firmly believe the president’s plan will make Americans safer.” Added McConnell thoughtfully, “Maybe common sense gun reform might decrease fatal encounters between police officers and civilians?”
Lawmakers to the right of McConnell expressed contrition for smearing Democrats in the past. “I thought I was fighting for my constituents when I blasted Democrats as pinko softy soy-boy cucks crying about racism into their New Yorkers.” Marjorie Taylor Greene told Politico. “Clearly, I was wrong.” Heeding McConnell’s suggestion on gun control, Greene made the decision to take away her toddler’s firearms.
At press time, GOP lawmakers stressed that they were not deviating from the party’s core beliefs. “I stand by my position that fat women are too ugly to get pregnant once they’re over 17,” Rep. Matt Gaetz told Politico.