Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg commits to bringing back firing squads.

After a rocky start to his tenure, Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg has embraced a tough-on-crime approach to address rising violence in the city.

“Although I ran as a reform DA—and that’s what voters thought they wanted—I’ve seen the consequences of my soft-on-crime approach and I have decided to change course,” he said at a press conference Wednesday. “Too many dangerous criminals are cycling in and out of the system, putting New Yorkers and visitors to our great city at risk.”

“It’s time to attack crime with guns blazing—literally,” he added, pumping a rifle into the air. “And so I’m bringing back the death penalty. Firing squads, to be precise.”

In a grave error he deeply regrets—because it instantly made New York less safe—Bragg issued a day-one memo in January instructing prosecutors to stop going after low-level, nonviolent crimes. After the memo leaked it was shared among criminals who instantly became emboldened to sow crime and disorder in the city.

“Dude! You see that Bragg memo? We can mug old ladies now! HAHAHAHAHA! No one can stop us!”

“I can start selling crack to 5th graders again!” another exulted.

Meanwhile, a homeless individual tells Substance that upon reading the Bragg memo, he was excited to once again start defecating at the Central Park zoo in front of children like in the bad old days. “It’s just what I like to do, OK? And now the strong arm of the law can’t stop me,” he added, shooting up as a school bus rolled by.

“This ends today,” Bragg said.

It’s not just quality of life crime that's out of control, entirely due to the Bragg memo: violent crime is also up, because of the Bragg memo. Just last week, Republican challenger for Governor, congressman Lee Zeldin, was almost brutally murdered by a maniac wielding a Hello Kitty tea mug. The maniac had been out of bail, because of the Bragg memo and also bail reform.

Bragg’s strategy should revitalize the city. New Yorkers tell Substance they don’t feel safe going into the office with crime on the rise due to the Bragg memo. “Uh … yeah… um. I can’t risk my life going into the office!” 25-year-old hedge fun analyst Dylan Peck insisted recently, as he slugged shots at a Lower East Side bar on a recent Friday night. “I don’t feel safe leaving my apartment, frankly,” he added, as he and his pack of guy friends scoped the bar for cute drunk girls.

At press time, Lee Zeldin tweeted, “Alvin Bragg is a pussy for refusing to bring back public hangings.”