NYPD needs another billion dollars to catch crazy guy with stick.

Park Slope—Mayor Eric Adams held a summit with city leaders Monday to figure out what to do about a crazy man terrorizing the residents of Park Slope, Brooklyn, with a large stick.

“The NYPD needs one billion more dollars in funding to gather the resources and tools essential to catch this lone maniac as well as send a message to other lone maniacs that their conduct will not be free of consequence,” the Mayor said.

*Satire ends here because the real story is more absurd.

A few weeks ago, a man in Prospect Park in Brooklyn beat up a Golden Retriever named Moose with a stick as his terrified owner tried to pull the dog away. The woman took her dog to the vet but he died of a perforated intestine a few days later.

The New York Times covered the case in the trolliest way possible, focusing on discussions on Nextdoor, a neighborhood community forum where initial support for the dog owner turned into Woke Word Salad: “Crime is a construct” or whatever and that they shouldn’t involve the police because of centuries of oppression.

The point of the story was to get people to mock out of touch idiot Park Slope liberals. Pretty much everyone bit.