SWAT officer overdoses during drug raid after touching elevator button doused in fentanyl. (Satire)
KROT, Nashville—A routine SWAT raid nearly turned deadly when SWAT specialist Will Sanders touched a “7⠼⠛” elevator button with fentanyl residue on the surface.
Police had received a tip that the previous occupant’s cousin had operated an illicit fentanyl distribution ring from apartment 7C. The special task force SWAT public safety unit operation planned to search the premises after receiving an emergency warrant from Judge Irving Reed.
Sanders and his partner opted for the elevator instead of the stairs to preserve the element of surprise and also because Sanders was sore from volunteering as usher at a Little League baseball game the weekend prior. But Sanders, dressed in SWAT tactical gear, began to feel dizzy between the second and third floors.
When Sanders dropped his battering ram, his partner, Detective Smith Logans, grew alarmed. Logans had recently read about a woman who almost died after touching a fentanyl-laced dollar bill she found on the ground. Soon, Sanders’ AK-47 dangled listlessly from his hip.
“Dude! You’re overdosing on fentanyl!” Logans yelled. But Sanders didn’t have the strength to respond from behind his Kevlar ballistic helmet. Logans ripped off his night vision goggles and took out Narcan from behind his RTS riot protection suit.
“We gotta job to do man!!!!” he yelled, spraying the opioid reversal drug up his partner’s nose. “No early retirement for you!”
“Where am I?” Sanders asked, after the near fatal overdose had been reversed.
“The 6th floor,” replied 8-year-old Timmy Hutton, who’d been in the elevator with the two officers during Sanders’ ordeal. “Can I press the elevator buttons next time?”
“No son!!!! Stay away from buttons! You never know when one might be laced with fentanyl!” Sanders yelled, shaking the boy. “Stay in school!”
Ding!
The elevator reached the 7th floor.
81-year-old Dorothy Langdon was peeking through her peephole when the two officers broke down her door and pinned the octogenerian to the ground and handcuffed her.
At press time, Sanders and Logans wondered if judge Irving had meant to write 7L instead of 7C on the search warrant, again.
Oh good gravy train. So incredible that this scenario actually happens in real life. I just can’t understand cops. I would love to be a fly on the wall during the training (?) cops get when they are about to deal with drugs. “Do NOT touch any person or thing that might have ANY contact with fentanyl. Even with gloves on, you could overdose and die. Better to freak out and violently subdue everyone in the area even if they have no involvement with the warrant/arrest. Make sure a hazmat team handles any substance suspected of containing fentanyl. Well, to be on the safe side, assume any heroin or cocaine or powder is fentanyl and don’t touch if you value your life and lives of fellow officers.”