The Joker's Plot to Poison Halloween Candy
Police foil The Joker's plan to give out fentanyl candy to trick-or-treaters.
Authorities on Wednesday seized 12,000 pills suspected to be fentanyl hidden in candy boxes at Los Angeles International Airport. The suspect, dressed in a valor orange and purple suit with a polka-dot tie, tried to go through security with snacks and candy at about 7:30 a.m., according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.
"However, it was discovered that inside the 'Sweetarts', 'Skittles', and 'Whoppers' candy boxes were fentanyl pills," a police statement said.
The suspected trafficker fled the scene but police say that despite the man’s white face makeup and green-dyed hair, they’ve learned his identity. On the street, he’s known as The Joker, and authorities say he’s an agent of chaos connected to several sadistic acts of terrorism worldwide.
“The guy’s a nutjob. He just wants to watch the world burn,” a Los Angeles Sheriff’s Deputy said.
In an exclusive interview with Substance, The Joker divulged his now foiled terrorist plot to poison America’s youth on Halloween by replacing all the candy with various fentanyl analogues. The interview below has been lightly edited for length and clarity.
Zach: Thanks for meeting with me Joker. So are you bummed that the cops once again thwarted your evil plan?
Joker: Extremely bummed. I was getting great press. The DEA was practically doing my job for me. Everybody was freaked out. Plus, journalists like you were telling everybody that this was all fake. That this was just a new spin on the old “razor blades” in candy urban legend. I had everybody going. Everything was going according to plan until….
Z: Until you got caught at LAX going through security. Aren’t you embarassed that a TSA agent foiled your entire plot?
Joker: OK. Look. That’s not fair. I still got away didn’t I? You see me in handcuffs? I just walked right out of LAX’s front door when I saw them inspecting my luggage. Then I had to walk a mile to where Uber/Lyft picks people up. LAX is the fuckin’ worst, man. By the way, that bag was Balenciaga! It cost me more to lose that bag than all those pills. I loved that bag. [cackles]
Z: Let’s rewind a little bit. So tell me more about your plan. For months you’d been slowly replacing packages of candy with fentanyl. And by the time Halloween came around the candy market would be thoroughly contaminated. On Halloween night there’d be a mass casualty event across America. Is that the gist?
Joker: Yeah, pretty much. That’s it.
Z: Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. How would this even work? It’s kind of a joke.
Joker: The real joke is your stubborn, bone-deep conviction that somehow, somewhere, all of this makes sense! That’s what cracks me up each time. [cackles for a several minutes]
Z: But why? Why give away all these drugs for free? Aren’t you also a business man? You once said to Batman, “If you are good at something, don’t do it for free.”
Joker: Well, I wanted to introduce a little anarchy. I wanted to upset the established order and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair.
Z: Right. But are you sure there was no financial motive behind this? Who was funding the whole “rainbow fentanyl” operation and pressing all those pills into candy? That’s a lot of work. A lot of labor. You had to procure all those precursor chemicals. Pay all those chemists and cooks. How’d you foot the bill?
Joker: Last year I recieved a grant from the Open Society Foundation. George Soros is good a friend and we believe in a lot of the same things. Most of that money went toward manufacturing rainbow fentanyl and I still had a little leftover for my BlueCross BlueShield plan. Cooking up fentanyl is actually cheaper than paying my monthly premiums, which have really risen under President Biden’s adminstration. Sleepy Joe! [cackles]
But what makes me different than most criminal masterminds is that I’m a bipartisan chaos agent. I don’t discriminate. The Kochs, The Mercers, Peter Thiel, they’ve all funded my projects. With the midterms coming up, both sides were really eager to support my work.
Z: You say you’re bipartisan, but doesn’t your plan play right into the hands of Republicans? They campaign on law and order, “open borders,” and crime. Your October surprise would gin up support for a major crackdown.
Joker: I think with the fascists in power I’ll have a much bigger platform. All those dispossessed Gen-Z and Millennials will have no way to effect change. They’ll see once and for all that Democrats are a feckless party of losers. Then they’ll join my movement, sewing chaos all over the country.
When the chips are down, these civilized people — they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve…. [EDITORS NOTE: At this point in the interview The Joker laughed uncontrollably for several minutes while gasping for air]
Z: Damn, dude. That’s pretty fuckin’ dark. But your Halloween plan is totally moot. You’ve got a plan b?
Joker: [loudly smacks lips] I’m a man of my word.
Z: OK. Well, thanks for chatting, Joker. Before we go, is there anything else you want to plug? Any big projects in the works?
Joker: [cackles] Wait till you see what’s stuffed in everybody’s Thanksgiving turkey.
Z: Where can people find you if they want to follow your work?
Joker: Thanks to Zuckerberg I’m mostly on Gab and Truth Social these days. I’m also about to host a new prank show on Rumble.
An image of The Joker pulled from LAX security camera footage.
