Canines on Crack: Are dogs in San Francisco getting high from eating poop? Part 2 of an ongoing investigation.

(Satire)

Former venture capitalist and investigative journalist Michelle Tandler has exposed a troubling phenomenon: dogs in San Francisco are getting addicted to drugs after eating large amount of human feces from nearby homeless camps.

After she was smeared in the mainstream press—like Gary Webb before her—she confirmed the canine catastrophe by interviewing the whistleblower again.

It’s understandable that the whistleblower wishes to remain anonymous. A long line of brave truth-tellers have been persecuted by the government and smeared in mainstream media: Reality Winner. Edward Snowden. Daniel Ellsberg before them.

The dog-walker’s very livelihood may be at stake for coming forward. Customers might start to wonder: Why is my dog walker letting my dog eat so much poop? Aren’t I paying them to walk my dog, on a leash, thereby granting them the authority to pull my dog away from the poop?

Much like the Hunter Biden laptop story, the liberal media will likely bury the poop meth story. ‘There’s too much at stake for liberal power holders in San Fransicko,” former gubernatorial candidate Michael Shellenberger tells Substance. “They refuse to acknowledge that the compassionate solution to this epidemic is euthanization.” When asked to elaborate on whether he was referring to dogs or homeless people, Shellenberger stormed off and then blocked this reporter on all social media.

At press time, Tandler had booked an appearance on Tucker Carlson Tonight, in the hopes that the only network willing to ask the difficult questions about immigrants, the Glorious Vision of Victor Orban, and America’s proxy war in Ukraine, would help her alert dog-walkers to the truth about what’s happening when they think their dogs have the zoomies.